Starch chemistry 101

I enjoyed these so much, I felt the need to share my own latest kitchen blunder. Nobody in their right mind would think that you can add rice to a watery casserole halfway through cooking - but there's a reason I shouldn't be allowed in the kitchen without a recipe. When it was supposed to be done, the recently added rice was still crunchy. After it'd cooked long enough for the new rice to be soft, the old rice had pretty much dissolved into a starchy paste.

Is it disqualified for the site when it's completely inedible? The chicken bits weren't even worth salvaging, since the water drained them of all flavor, and the overcooking made them litttle nuggets o rubber. Shoulda gotten me that EZ Bake Oven, mom.

What's a Toast Cup Without Garlic? Crap.

Toast cups. SOS. Creamed chipped beef on toast. Whatever you want to call it.
You MUST use garlic butter. Really. If you don't you are in for some disappointment. I found out last night that's what make Toast Cups taste good. Without it, it's just milk with flour in it. Bleah.
I thought I'd show Jim a little deference, seeing as how he is not a big fan of garlic (if only I'd known this before we'd hooked up), so I left out what is actually a KEY ingredient in making Toast Cups. There is no way around it, you have to have garlic butter, otherwise all you're doing is chewing, there's no flavor. I even attempted to put two teaspoons of Worcestershire sauce in it. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
Garlic in Toast Cups is right up there with putting a dab of bacon grease in raisin cookies. It's gotta be in there. If not, you're mouth is let down. Nothing is worse than getting ready for a taste you associate with a certain food and then after you take a mouthful you're going "Wha??"
You're so stunned by the turnaround of events you can't even put the final consonant on the question.
So damn the pansy-asses! Put that garlic where it belongs!

Well bloody hell,

Not only do you have the WRONG recipe for Tuna Spaghetti, but you can't even see it, for cripe sakes, no wonder it curdled.
Yes, people, if you want the real version, let me know. Betty Crocker did her own cooking when they printed up my book. She didn't have any minions. Besides, Marie's version was probably printed on a Monday or Friday, that's why they left out crucial information. They were either too hung over from the weekend or in a hurry to leave work. Amateurs.

The OFFICIAL tuna spaghetti recipe (Mary is full of it)

This is the real tuna spaghetti recipe. Mary says she's got one that used red wine and regular milk, but that's just wrong. It's got to have half and half in it, or it's some other "pasta" dish. Not tuna spaghetti. Everybody knows that.

Half and half does not equal 1

I'm here to tell you, there's no non-chunky substitute for half and half. I was making a family staple, tuna spaghetti, when I realized that we were out of half and half. I could've stopped in the middle of dinner preparations and run out to the store for some more, but no. I thought I'd substitute 1 percent milk and a generous dollop of sour cream instead. It looked okay when I poured it into the melted butter and I stirred it and walked away for a second. When I came back the stuff had curdled and no longer looked like a cream sauce suitable for human consumption. Instead it was a gross looking lumpy mess. Lesson learned. Alice took one look at it and went to the store to get some of the real stuff.

Cheese nips are not a substitue for tortillia chips

Yes, that was me too. Fine. Whatever. In my defense, I was pressed for time. Jim comes home unexpectedly for lunch and all of a sudden I have to throw something together for lunch??? So I did. I had everything to whip up a taco salad except for the tortillia chips, however, I did have something else, that if you moved the letters around, it would spell "chips". Hey, how did I know it would taste like crap? I figured you put cheese in a taco salad, right? Well, cheese nips have cheese in them or they wouldn't call them cheese nips. It all went together much better in my head. Jim said next time he comes home for lunch he'll call first to see if we have anything or, better yet, bring something home.

Cherry pie filling in a can

Don't do it. For one, there really aren't any cherries in the can. I could count on two hands how many were actually in there. Two, the contents are mostly made up of that pink colored goop. But did that stop me from making a cherry pie for my beloved? Hell no. In his excitement he did manage to choke down a slice and that was about it. He gave it the 'ol college try. Normally, if it's something he really likes, half of whatever it is will be gone in a sitting; box of twinkies, fudge, lemon pie...you get the idea. So, note to self: canned cherries, not so good. Oh, and BTW, Jim says we stole his saying, "it'll make a turd."